


Love Can't Fix Everything (And That's Okay)

by pancake_surprise



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Christophe is 31, Coach Katsuki Yuuri, Coach Victor Nikiforov, Depression, Happy Ending, Retired Chris, Suicide, Victor is 33, Yuri is 29, Yurio is 21, depressed victor, extreme depression, mild anxiety, retired victor, retired yuri, trigger warning suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 21:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10421697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pancake_surprise/pseuds/pancake_surprise
Summary: Victor wasn’t sure when it began. He supposed one day he’d been sad and the next day a little sadder. And it cascaded until he found himself here, staring at the ceiling, empty, and his body unable to move. But it didn’t feel that way. To Victor, it felt like one day he’d been perfectly fine and the next so exhausted even getting out bed seemed difficult.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I based a lot of this off of my own experiences with depression. For reference, this takes place when Victor is 33 and during the off season.

Victor wasn’t sure when it began. He supposed one day he’d been sad and the next day a little sadder. And it cascaded until he found himself here, staring at the ceiling, empty, and his body unable to move. But it didn’t feel that way. To victor, it felt like one day he’d been perfectly fine and the next so exhausted even getting out bed seemed difficult. But still he got up, dragging his lead-like legs over to the side of the bed and standing. He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes and sighed. The place next to him was empty. Yuri had already risen and gotten ready for the day. It used to be Victor who woke earlier. He’d shower and have coffee ready by the time Yuri was up. He couldn’t even do a simple thing for Yuri anymore like make him coffee. Pathetic.

Like an old man, he rose from the bed, knees cracking as he stepped across their bedroom. He slipped his robe over the pajamas he hadn’t changed in two days and shambled out into the kitchen. Yuri was turned away from him pouring coffee into two identical mugs, a wedding present from Mari if he remembered correctly. A smile tugged at his lips at the memory. He took a seat at the table and slumped back into the chair. “Victor? Victor are you listening to me?” Had Yuri been talking? He rubbed his eyes again.

“Sorry Yuri,” he mumbled. “What was it you were saying?” Yuri sighed. Oh good, Victor was disappointing him again. What a perfect morning.

“I asked if you wanted anything for breakfast.” Victor looked up at Yuri to find him staring at him with an unexpectedly fond expression. Oh, maybe he wasn’t mad.

“I’m not hungry.” Yuri’s smile turned to a frown that he quickly hid. Ah, now he had upset him. That was short-lived. Victor flinched as Yuri wrapped his arms around him from behind the chair. Yuri rested his head on Victor’s shoulder and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“Vitya, you should eat something. Toast?” Victor nodded wordlessly. For Yuri, he’d eat toast. For Yuri, he’d do anything. Every day he gets out of bed. Every day he showers and gets dressed. Every day he shoves food down his throat. For Yuri, all for Yuri. Victor realized he’d been drifting off again when Yuri sat a plate with two pieces of buttered bread in front of him.

“If you can only eat one piece, that’s okay.” Yuri said as he took the seat adjacent to Victor. Momentarily he felt love swell in his chest. Yuri, his Yuri, always so kind and understanding. Understanding of just how utterly pathetic it was when Victor couldn’t will his body to eat all of the food Yuri sat down in front of him three times a day. It wasn’t fair, Yuri should be happy and enjoying himself, not holed up with Victor in their apartment all day. The empty feeling in the pit of his stomach grew bigger as he thought of everything he was undoubtedly keeping Yuri from. He hadn’t seen his family in months and Yuri practically never left the house without Victor in tow, and Victor didn’t leave the house often. Victor wasn’t even sure when Yuri had seen anyone other than himself barring the take-out delivery woman and the cashier at the grocer down the street. Yurio stops by sometimes since it’s the off season but less so lately. Yuri sacrifices everything for him. He should feel guilty. Instead, he feels absolutely nothing at all.

***

Every feeling he’s every had has been replaced. Replaced by something cold and dark and unforgiving. Victor tries to remember what it felt like to be happy or sad as he stared at the ceiling above their couch. Sometimes he has a fleeting feeling of something like happiness when he thinks of Yuri but then its gone so quick he can’t even be certain it was there. Makkachin licked at the hand he had hanging off the sofa. He pulled his hand back over his chest and Makka whined. It’s not only Yuri he’s disappointing then. Lovely. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Yuri looking up from the book he was reading to watch the scene before him. At least Makkachin had Yuri to look after him, Yuri was a wonderful dog owner, unlike him.

He pulled his attention back to the ceiling. Victor wanted to sleep but he knew if he fell asleep now it would only worry Yuri. He spent too much of his time sleeping these days. All Yuri ever did now was worry over Victor. They all did. Yurio, Christophe, Yakov, Mila, even Georgi had messaged him once. He was so loved. So very, very loved and still all he could do was stare at the ceiling. What a disappointment he must be. He should try harder. For everyone. For Yuri. “Yuri,” he said twisting his neck to face his husband. Yuri looked up from his book. It was clear Victor had startled him. Victor did that to him. Victor made him all jumpy. “Will you go on a walk with me?”

“A walk?” Yuri sounded confused. Why was he confused? “It’s nearly 9pm.”

“Is it?” That was definitely not the right thing to say. Yuri’s face contorted into something between fear and sadness. He’d messed up again. He really did need to work on that. “To the grocer and back. I want soup.” That was a lie. He didn’t want anything to eat. Ever. He didn’t get hungry anymore.

“Okay then,” Yuri said snapping Victor from his thoughts. He was doing that a lot lately. “To the grocer,” he said as he carefully marked the page in his book and stood. Victor wanted to prove to Yuri that he could leave the house. He wanted to show Yuri that he was okay. As Yuri went to the bedroom to retrieve his wallet, Victor looked over what he was wearing. Gray sweatpants and a hoodie. He’d changed them today. That should be good enough. When Yuri returned, Victor opened the front door wide and flashed him the best smile he could muster. No doubt Yuri could tell it was fake.

“Victor, um, are you forgetting something?” Victor’s face fell. What was Yuri talking about? He didn’t need to bring anything to the grocer. Yuri pointed down at his feet. Shoes. Victor had forgotten shoes. He cursed himself inwardly. He couldn’t even put his shoes on correctly. Yuri smiled at him and handed him a pair of sneakers. “It’s okay, Victor. How many times have I forgotten my wallet? I even forget my ice skates every now and then.” Oh Yuri, his sweet wonderful Yuri, trying to make him feel better even now. Victor pulled Yuri to his chest and wrapped his arms around Yuri’s smaller frame. As Yuri’s arms snaked around his own waist, he frowned into the top of Yuri’s head. Nothing. He felt nothing. He knew he loved Yuri and yet he felt nothing. “Ready Vitya?” Victor nodded.

At the grocer, Yuri pulled a meticulously folded piece of paper from his pocket. “Okay so you want soup. And we need more tea and rice.” Yuri pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Anything else you want?” No. He didn’t even want the soup. “Victor?” Had he not spoken the first part? Oops.

“No, just soup.”

“Okay, Vitya.” Yuri walked ahead of him and Victor followed behind like a lost puppy. Yuri carefully compared the two brands of soup the little grocer carried. In another lifetime, Yuri would have asked Victor which one he wanted. Today though, today that same decision would be too difficult for him. Yuri placed the carefully selected package in their basket and continued onward. Victor was tired. He was tired and slow and distracted. “Victor.” And back to the present.

“Coming Yuri.”

**

Cold water cascaded down Victor’s back. He took a deep breath and reached for the shampoo. He just needed to wash his hair. If he could wash his hair then he’ll have accomplished _something._ Yuri’s been working all day. First cleaning and then working on ideas for their students next season, and now he was even cooking dinner. Yuri could do so many things and Victor could barely summon enough strength to wash his hair. Yuri doesn’t deserve this. Yuri deserves someone who can cook for him and carry a conversation. Someone who isn’t just a shell.

He rinsed the suds from his hair and switched the nob to off. He carefully slipped into the clean sweatpants and tee shirt Yuri had left out for him. As he walked into the kitchen, he had to admit he felt a little bit better now that he was clean.

“Victor!” Yuri was excited to see him. Why? Yuri crossed the room quickly and wrapped Victor in his arms. Yuri pushed himself up on his tiptoes and kissed Victor’s nose. “Hungry?” Victor could barely stand to look at his smile. The adoration written on his face was as blinding as the sun.

“Yes, thank you.” Victor sat across from him. Yuri served him a piping hot plate of rice. Plain food, it was all Victor could stomach right now. Yuri’s plate had the same pile of rice accompanied by a piece of fish. Victor had tried to convince Yuri to cook himself something good but Yuri stubbornly wouldn't listen. Yuri was here for him through everything, even if that meant subsisting primarily on rice, pasta, toast, and potatoes.

“How are your plans for next season coming along?” Victor asked. Yuri looked at him surprised.

“Really well actually! If you’re feeling up to it, I’m sure Yurio would love to show you what’s he’s done with your choreography.”

“Hmm,” Victor hummed noncommittally. Yurio was undoubtedly stunning but the ice rink was just so. far. away. “I’m sure it’s great.” Victor’s voice didn’t sound like his own. He sounded robotic. On autopilot. He felt like he should say more but he just didn’t have the energy. Yuri occasionally tried to fill the silence and Victor nodded along. He wondered if Yuri could tell how often he spaced out. He hoped not.

**

It was 2:28 in the morning and Victor was staring up at the ceiling again. He checked his phone. 2:29. The screen showed 5 missed messages. 2 from Yurio and 3 from Christophe. He hadn’t talked to Chris in a long time. Slowly he rolled out of bed and padded into the living room. He clicked the icon of a phone next to Chris’ name. It rang only once before Chris picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hi Chris,”

“Victor? Isn’t it like,” Chris paused. “3am where you are?” Oh good, Chris sounded worried too.

“Mm,” Victor hummed.

“Are you okay? Where’s Yuri?”

“He’s sleeping.”

“Oh, okay. Um, what's up?” Victor signed into the phone.

"Victor, what's wrong?"

“Chris I-I can’t even take a shower without taking an hour to gather enough energy,” a dry sob wracked Victor’s body. “Wh-why does Yuri stay with me? I can’t even take care of myself.” On the other end of the line Victor heard a sharp intake of breath. Chris had known something Victor wasn’t himself but no doubt this was the first Chris could truly see just how bad it had gotten. Victor grimaced. Oops.

“Victor, Yuri loves you. When he married you it was in sickness and in health. You’ll get through this and Yuri will be there right next to you through it all. He wants to be next to you through it all. You have Yuri and me, Yurio, and the Katsuki’s. We’re here now and we’ll be there at the end too.”

Chris sounded so sure. It nearly convinced Victor. “I guess.” There was silence on the other end of the line.

“Victor, can you do me a favor?”

“Hm?” The concern in Chris’ voice was palpable. Was worrying his friends all Victor was good for anymore?

“Go wake up Yuri.” That, that was not okay. Waking him up in the middle of the night would send him into a panic. What would he even say anyway?

“I can’t. Please don’t make me.”

“Victor,” Chris’ voice sounded strained. “Victor, please listen to me. We love you so much. Yuri loves you. I love you. Yuri won’t care if you wake him up in the middle of the night.”

“Chris, I can’t.” He tried to sound angry. He could not wake Yuri. Chris sighed.

“Okay Victor, you are going to go back to your bedroom. Send me a picture to prove you’re in bed and I won’t call Yuri.”

“Okay,”

“Goodnight, Victor. You know where to find me.”

Victor did as he was told. When the call disconnected, Victor shuffled back to the bedroom. He sent Chris a picture of his side of the bed and sat his phone back on the nightstand. As he slid between the blankets, Yuri stirred next to him. Victor cursed himself internally.

“Y’okay?”

“Mhm.”

Yuri pressed himself up against Victor’s body, laying his head on his chest and slinging an arm around his middle. Yuri was perfect. Always warm and loving. When tears started welling up in the corners of his eyes he could do nothing but let them slip down his cheeks. Yuri loved him. Chris loved him. He was 99% sure Yurio loved him, not that he’d every admit it. And that Katsuki’s who’d accepted hi as one of their own. So many people cared for him. And he knew somewhere he cared for them. But then why did he still feel this way? Why wasn’t it enough?

**

Victor stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. His was face was thinner than usual, his eyes sunken slightly into his head. His hair was mussed and greasy. If Victor saw someone else looking like this he’d think they were deathly ill.  Victor opened the medicine cabinet looking for his toothbrush. Instead, his eyes zeroed in on the little bottle of pills sitting front and center. He didn’t even know what they were for but a whole bottle of anything had to do some damage. Victor held the bottle in his right hand, rolling it back and forth across his palm. It would be so easy. Then Yuri would be free to leave the apartment. Yuri wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. It would be better. Victor wouldn’t be empty any longer.

Carefully he pulled the off the lid. The pills inside were a bright pink color. Victor lifted the bottle to his lips and felt the slow cascade of pills empty themselves from the bottle into his mouth. When there were none left, he held his face under the facet and drank. A hard lump sunk from his throat down to his stomach. With unsteady hands, he screwed the cap back on and put it back in its place in the cabinet. Victor opened the bathroom door and retreated to their bedroom and assumed his usual position, staring up at the ceiling. But the ceiling felt.. too impersonal. Was he really going to wait for the pills to take effect staring at the ceiling? Mustering all his energy, he rolled onto his side. On the bedside table there was a photo Victor had framed ages ago from their wedding. Yuri looked so beautiful with his big smile lighting up his whole face. Always beautiful. Yuri. His Yuri. He did love Yuri. Somewhere underneath all the emptiness, Victor loved Yuri with all his heart. Victor recalled his conversation with Chris weeks earlier. _In sickness and in health._ Yuri married him in sickness and in health. Victor thought back to the bottle of pills he’d held in his hands only a few moments earlier and cringed. He’d made another mistake. Another selfish, stupid mistake.

He yelled for Yuri as he shot out of bed. Over and over again he called Yuri’s name. “Vitya?” Yuri asked bursting into their bedroom. Victor clambered up from the bed tripping over the blankets in the process.

“Yuri,” Victor said grabbing him by the shoulders. “Yuri, I made a mistake.”

**

The hospital room Victor laid in would have been bleak and uninviting if it weren’t for all the flowers that filled up the room. Who would send him flowers? His eyes scanned the room. Yuri was sat next to him hunched over in a chair and asleep. His glasses were askew on his face and a bit of drool was dribbling down the side of his mouth. Victor pulled the glasses off and slipped them onto the table on the other side of the bed. He kissed the crown of his head. There were two other chairs in the room, pushed up against the wall on the other side of the room. Chris was in one, legs spread out in front of his and head leaning against the wall. He too, was asleep. How long had he been in the hospital? And why was Christophe here? How bad was he hurt? Victor checked each of his limbs. Nothing was broken. He didn’t have any bruises or any other outward sign of injury. The little bottle of pills flashed into his mind. Oh. Right. He’d- he’d tried to end it. It was coming back to him now.

When Victor had told Yuri what he’d done, Yuri called an ambulance. He’d gathered Victor in his arms and held on like Victor might disappear if he let go. Victor had been crying. Oh, he had been so stupid.

Yuri stirred next to him. “Victor?” He sounded so _lost._ Victor had done that. Victor had reduced Yuri to a ball of anxiety and worry.

“Yuri I’m sorry.” Victor was crying again. “I’m so, so sorry.” Yuri pulled himself up onto the bed and cradled Victor in his arms.

“Shh, Victor, it’s okay. You did the right thing by calling for me.” Yuri rocked him back and forth gently. When more tears left wet tracks down Victor’s face, Yuri carefully wiped them away with the hem of his shirt. “I love you.”

“I know,” Victor moaned miserably. That was the problem. Yuri loved him. He loved Yuri. And everyone else who were always there for him. But it wasn’t good enough. He was still hollow and empty and miserable. “I know you do. So many people love me. Why can’t it be enough? Why-why am I still _empty_?”

“The mind is a complicated thing. Love can accomplish a lot but it’s not always enough. It can’t fix everything.” Victor sucked in a deep breath. _Love isn’t always enough. It can’t fix everything._ “And that’s okay. We’re going to get you better Victor. There are many treatments to try, medication, therapy, mindfulness. We’ll figure it out, I promise.” Victor nodded into Yuri’s chest. For the first time in months, Victor actually believed it.

Across the room, Christophe stirred in his chair. Victor had a feeling he’d been awake longer than he let on. Victor felt Yuri’s hands release their grip on him and he sat up. “He’s up?” Christophe said faking the sleepiness in his voice. Slowly, Christophe crossed the room until he was right next to Victor’s bed. “Can I?” Before Victor finished nodding Chris’ arms were surrounding him on all sides. Christophe had flown all the way here to hug him. Victor had some amazing friends. What had he done to deserve their care? He pushed the thought aside and hugged Chris back. He’d scared them. He’d scared all of them. No more. He wasn’t going to scare Yuri or Christophe or anyone ever again. Christophe released him and pulled away.

“Chris, can you go tell everyone else he’s up?” Chris flashed them a smile and said “of course," before exiting the room.

“Others?” Victor turned to Yuri. Who else was here?

“Yurio and Yakov have been here every moment they could spare.” At that moment, a very loud Yurio barged through the door. He marched to the side of Victor’s bed and practically crushed Victor’s neck in a hug.

“You scared me, old man,” he whispered.

“I know.” Victor wanted to apologize but instead he bit his tongue. They knew he was sorry. And he would prove it to them. He’d listen to whatever the doctor suggested, whatever it took to get better. He wasn’t going to go out without a fight.

**

Epilogue: A little over a year later

Yurio launched himself off the ice into a triple axel and proceeded to over rotate and land with a thud on the ice below. Victor watched as Yuri skated over to Yurio and held out a hand. “Get away from me Katsudon, I don’t need your help.” Victor smiled. Some things never change. Yuri laughed and skated away as Yurio shambled up off the ice and prepared to make the jump again.

“That’s enough Yurio, take a break.” Victor yelled before he had the opportunity to fall on his ass again. “Yuri!” Victor squealed as he came to a stop in front of him. Yuri threw his arms around Victor and kissed him sloppily.

“Ugh, are you kidding me? Do you have to do that here?” Victor turned to Yurio. Ah, so young. So inexperienced.

“You’re just jealous,” Victor taunted. Yuri smirked and kissed Victor again. Victor laughed through the kisses enjoying each and every one.

“Yeah right.” But Victor could see Yurio’s usual scowl wasn’t present. Yurio really was growing up. “Aww, come over here Yurio, you know you love us.” To everyone else in the rink’s surprise Yurio skated over to Victor and Yuri. Victor laughed again. He knew Yurio loved them. Victor pulled out his phone and held it in front of their faces. “Selfie! Everyone squish together!” Yurio groaned but smiled anyway. Victor examined the picture. It was perfect. His little family all together. Love swelled in heart as he posted the photo to Instagram. #famwhoskatetogetherstaytogether.


End file.
